How many of you have certain words or phrases that you use without even realizing it?

I have an ongoing battle with one word in particular. In fact, yesterday morning, while making my usual list of things, it reared its ugly head (again) and started rapid-firing at me.

Should.

I should be going to bed by 11pm getting up by 7am, so I can get more things done during the day.

I should do “X” thing for “Y” person because they’re family… and that’s what you’re supposed do for family.

I should do something different with the way I look.

Sometimes the word teams up with “not” and “could”, and they come at me off the top turnbuckle.

I should not have retired when I did. I could have worked at least another ten years and saved up more money.

I should not have sold dad’s house after he died. I could have fixed it up and lived the rest of my life there.

I should not have placed my trust in that person. I could have kept those things to myself because I knew deep down inside, they’d disappoint me…and eventually, they did.

My therapist caught me using that word this week, and I didn’t even know I had said it. But the thing is, even though I may not have heard myself say it, my body felt it. My gut churned, arms started to tighten, and shoulders started inching up to my ears.

It’s amazing how one little word can completely destroy things. A well-crafted battle plan to make sure I’m left stressed, worried, and unsure of myself.

When my therapist heard the word, she asked me, “Why do you feel you SHOULD do it? What’s the value in it for YOU?” At first, I wasn’t sure how to respond, but then the feeling in my gut and chest started creeping into my throat, and a whole barrage of excuses came sputtering out.

“Because that’s what I felt they needed. Because I would feel guilty for not doing it for them. Because it’s what most people would probably do if in my position.”

She responded that it sounded as if I’d be doing it more for their sake and less because I wanted to. More out of a sense of obligation than something that would bring me joy. And I’ll have to admit – she was correct in her observation. All of a sudden, the reality of how I’d been living my life for so long slapped me upside the head.

I’ve been at war with words. And they’ve been invading my mind, body, and spirit for as long as I can remember.

For most of my years on this planet, I operated in “caretaker” mode – it goes back to childhood, helping take care of my mother before complications from a rare disease took her life. Truth is, for the longest time, I partly blamed myself for her death. I should have helped her more when she couldn’t hold a fork in her crippled hand. I should have learned how to better apply the medicines and bandages she required on a daily basis. I should not have run outside to play without telling her goodbye… because that day, dad took her to the hospital, and she never came back home.

Throughout my teen and young adult years, I would often forego doing things I had dreamed of doing or refrain from expressing troubling feelings because I didn’t want to impose on others or cause them pain. Or have them leave and not come back home. By that time, I had a growing list of “shoulds” and “should nots”. And by the time I was an adult, working and married, that list had become my instruction manual for living.

So, here’s my battle plan – from this point forward, I’m going to take a long hard look at the things I do and the motivations behind why I do (or choose not to do) them.

Is it only out of a sense of obligation? Is it because I’m afraid of what others may think of me? Is it because I’m still not fully comfortable with who I am as a middle-aged woman?

Or is it done from a place of authenticity? Because the way I see it, choosing to do (or not do) something from such a place means that it was done with purest of intention. And it’s truly reflective of one’s heart.

It’s 2:24am. I should get to bed. I’m ready for some sleep, and I just put fresh sheets on the bed. There’s nothing like the smell and feel of warm sheets right out of the dryer.

And just so you know, I’m not getting up at 7am… I’m retired, and sleeping in late feels great.