Well, it appears I’ve fallen off my plan to post here at least once a week.

So this morning, I’m sitting at the computer, trying to figure out what’s on my mind that needs to show up here. Quite frankly, there’s a HUGE full-tilt ramble going on in my head of late… some things that I can share, some I need to keep to myself, and others that I need to ignore altogether. So, here goes…

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For years, I’ve lived with debilitating anxiety and worry – to the point they affected me physically at times. Panic attacks are horrible. If you’ve ever experienced one, you’ll understand. If you’ve never experienced one, count yourself among the fortunate. Mostly, my worries have focused on health and finances. When something felt off-kilter, a few minutes down the Google rabbit hole, and I had diagnosed myself with terminal cancer or being just a few months away from bankruptcy.

And that constant worry affected others around me as well. I lost the ability to focus on and enjoy the moment, which made it impossible to enjoy things with the people who were dearest to me. And made it possible for them to enjoy being around me.

I wasn’t living… I was existing by a very worn thread.

For the past two years, I’ve made significant progress in learning how to address anxiety and worry when they pop up. I think that having to face them head-on when my father was in hospice, as well as dealing with the changes happening at the same in my personal life, helped me to learn how to turn my attention to other things at the moment that the panic attacks were knocking at my door.

But I’m extremely frustrated with myself right now.

In the past couple of days, I’ve been feeling those old familiar ways slowly creep back into my life. An upcoming appointment with a new doctor got my mind spinning back to the “what ifs” – and the night before, I was in bed with shoulders and arms clenched and a 100-pound weight on my chest.

A few hours before the appointment, I reached out to someone very special in my life, and although it was difficult and maybe even a little embarrassing to do so, I let them know that I was experiencing anxiety and could use a “virtual hug” of reassurance.

When I pulled in the parking lot, I saw them walking up to meet me. All at once, the anxiety and worry began to melt in a deep, tearful, understanding hug. Not much needed to be said… I felt it.

Walking back to my car after the appointment, I discovered a flower had been placed on my windshield. A sign from that someone special that everything was going to be fine. The appointment went well, and I am hopeful the results will be good ones.

I’m still having some anxiety issues, especially when I’m alone and things are a little too quiet. Sometimes, my mental “spin cycle” gets going, and before I know it, my body starts to feel the effects. In fact, right now, writing this, I can feel my shoulders clenching…

So, I’m back to square one. There’s that familiar knock on the door, and, unfortunately, I answered it. I can’t be too hard on myself, though – sometimes we make progress, and sometimes, we take a few steps back. That’s called life.

To quote a line by one of my favorite musicians:

“Don’t worry about a thing;
‘Cause every little thing gonna’ be all right.”

I’m going to have this one on repeat today. Thanks, Mr. Marley.

I’m going to focus on accepting that the Universe has my back, sending me the things (and people) I need at the time I need them most. I’m also going to remember that the Universe – God, the All that Is, the Great Spirit – will never give me more than I can handle – but it’s up to me to learn to accept and believe that fact. Little “signs”, like the flower left on my windshield, are proof of that.

Hopefully, my doing so will make this appearance by a most unexpected and unwelcome visitor a very short-lived one.